History and Disclaimer

***Before beginning the next step to blogging some very intimate information, I wanted to set up some rules and thoughts.  My profession is in the medical field, although, I am not a psychiatrist, therapist, or counselor.  The thoughts, recollections,  and information I will present are from my own experiences and research.  I will not use names of any perpetrators, therapists, or friends.  This blog is not for them.  It is for my physical and spiritual healing.  Any comments one may have, please be discrete if you plan to share your story.  Even though someone else chose to violate us, we must rise above and choose not to retaliate by smearing their name on the Internet.   If legal action is needed for your particular case, please seek appropriate council.*** 

Now onto my story. I would like to start with the reason I have chosen this path.  Over the last year I bared my soul giving myself emotionally, spiritually, and physically to a man I believed to be my soul mate.  All my actions went into how I could prove to this individual that we were meant for one another.  I believe he attempted to be honest with me informing me that he was not at a stage in his life for more than friendship.  The confusion set in when his actions conflicted with his words.  I chose to listen closer to his actions than his words allowing myself to stay blinded to the belief that we were perfect.  After several months of on-again-off-again dating, we labeled ourselves "a couple."

Just days after we claimed our title as couple, my mind began racing with fear. I was fearful of losing the man I had worked so hard to win over. At the time, I was unaware of the emotion that had a choke hold on me so I dismissed it as expectations in which my partner was not meeting.  These mislabeled, unvoiced expectations began to create turmoil within my soul. One evening he called me just to chat. During our chat, my fears took over and I began accusing this man of not fulfilling my expectations. As a result of the combination of my accusations and conflicting emotions he was experiencing, we broke up.

At this point, I must admit that the break up was not all due to this one incident.  He, too, was having doubts and issues of his own he needed to sort out.  The fantasy was over and reality hit me with an emotionally-weighted sledge hammer.

With the sympathetic ear and honest feedback from a dear friend, I began reflecting on my actions.  I realized that my overwhelming concern of losing this image of togetherness actually manifested into the loss of that particular relationship. The more reflection taken looking into my past romantic relationships, I realized there was something deep inside my psyche that did not allow me to chose true happiness.  I wanted to understand more about this fear that resided within me: where it originated, how much control it actually has on my life, and how I can commandeer the control over my own emotions and thoughts.  After several months of licking my psychologically fabricated wounds I decided it was time to face my emotional scars; therefore, I sought professional help.