Feeling Afraid

“Whenever I feel afraid I hold my head erect and whistle a happy tune so no one will suspect I’m afraid. The result of this deception is very strange to tell, for when I fool the people I fear, I fool myself as well!” From “ I Whistle A Happy Tune” by Richard Rodgers and Oscar Hammerstein II. Copyright 1951 Richard Rogers and Oscar Hammerstein II


For too long, I have been whistling a happy tune pretending I am brave.  This deception began the day my innocence, trust, and idea of life was stolen from me through a trauma no one should experience. Recent events in my life made me realize it was time to stop fooling myself and seek answers to the generator of my fears. Now I have begun a journey to heal this trauma which has controlled the way I respond and react to certain circumstances.  Cognitively, I have tried to bury the memory that was created by this trauma in a metaphorically sealed box under layers of concrete believing that I will never hear from it again. Like a mob boss in jail, the memory continued to control emotional responses which have created pain and suffering in my life.  


The brain is a fascinating organ that stores memories, creates personality, and controls our bodies.  Once a trauma has occurred such as being robbed of one's innocence, loss of a loved one, war affliction, etc., the brain stores the memory in a little place called the amygdala.  Without realization, a touch, smell, or sound can trigger the amygdala to send messages to other parts of the brain resulting in physiological responses to the buried traumatic memory placing our bodies into the "fight or flight" reaction.  The therapy I have begun is helping me to desensitize my amygdala's response to my triggers.


I would like to invite anyone who has suffered trauma to join me on my journey to healing.  I have found that too many of us live with our traumas locked away trying to ignore them.  Once we are able to open up, find help, and acknowledge that we are not alone, healing may begin and then we will be able to whistle our happy tunes not to fool ourselves into bravery, but because we are truly brave.