First Step

When I began to look for a therapist, the only requests I had were it would be a female and she would be on my insurance.  I did not know that I would hit the jackpot of therapists on the first try.  She not only is under my insurance plan, but she is a more modern therapist who uses complimentary and alternative methods for treatment.  She is certified in hypnosis and Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing (EMDR).

 What is EMDR?  EMDR is a therapy now endorsed under the Veterans Affairs/Department of Defense's clinical practice guidelines in treatment for soldiers affected by posttraumatic stress disorder (PTSD). It is a therapy that guides the patient to vividly recall the trauma (war, sexual, physical abuse, etc) while gaining a new understanding of the event while reprocessing the emotional and bodily feelings, thoughts, and self-images that go with it. Even though we do not know exactly how it works, the eye movement aspect involves the patient to move their eyes rapidly back and forth while recalling the events. This creates a direct affect on the thalamus-amygdala-neocortex cascade. This cascading responds to stored memories of their experienced traumatic event. For my sessions, we use bilateral stimulation in which I hold buzzers in each hand and they correlate with alternating tones I hear through headphones.  This produces the same result as the rapid eye movements.

During our first session using EMDR, my therapist (we will call her "Akeso" after the Greek goddess of the healing process) asked me to find a "safe" place.  I imagined sitting on the Oregon Coast, listening to the seagulls and the ocean waves lapping up the sandy beach.  I could feel the ocean breeze brushing my face and flirting with my hair.  The salt air penetrated my senses bringing me relaxation and freedom from my chaotic thoughts.  This is my safe place.  Whenever I want to go there or am directed by Akeso, I am to think of a word I which labels my place.  This word (which I will keep private) will trigger my memory and thoughts which will lead me back to the beach.

Once we had my safe place secured, Akeso asked me to think about the traumatic memory and just notice what feelings came up while I was holding one buzzer in each hand.  I was to envision myself watching this as if a passenger on a train looking out at the passing landscape.  The first thing I psychically felt was difficulty breathing while my insides stood still.  My eyes began to tear and my heart was heavy.  After a few minutes, Akeso brought me out of the memory and evaluated what I felt and thought.

After the first round, I thought to myself, "That wasn't too bad. I can handle this without too much emotional distress."  Oh the lies we tell ourselves to attempt to trick the mind.  It was time for round number two. Round number two started like the first round.  I was to go back to the memory and just experience the feelings.  Akeso slowly sped up the pace of the bilateral stimulation.  Before I knew it, I was crying uncontrollably.  It was as if a scab was ripped off and the puss and granular tissue of a chronic wound became revealed. 

 Again, Akeso gently instructed me out of the memory.  We discussed it and prepared for one final round for the day.  The last round took me to my safe place, breathing in the fresh ocean air, listening to the gulls while watching the waves gently caress the beach.  This last session left me, interestingly enough, exhilarated.  I felt refreshed and energized.  I must have been on a second wind for that moment because the next couple of days I felt like I had been hit by a truck.  My thoughts were numbed, my actions were slower than normal, and all I wanted to do was curl up in a ball and let this feeling pass.  The best thing was knowing that my journey to heal my ignored wound had begun.  It was, and is, now time to take a deep breath, be kind to myself, and put one foot in front of the other. 
    

Feeling Afraid

“Whenever I feel afraid I hold my head erect and whistle a happy tune so no one will suspect I’m afraid. The result of this deception is very strange to tell, for when I fool the people I fear, I fool myself as well!” From “ I Whistle A Happy Tune” by Richard Rodgers and Oscar Hammerstein II. Copyright 1951 Richard Rogers and Oscar Hammerstein II


For too long, I have been whistling a happy tune pretending I am brave.  This deception began the day my innocence, trust, and idea of life was stolen from me through a trauma no one should experience. Recent events in my life made me realize it was time to stop fooling myself and seek answers to the generator of my fears. Now I have begun a journey to heal this trauma which has controlled the way I respond and react to certain circumstances.  Cognitively, I have tried to bury the memory that was created by this trauma in a metaphorically sealed box under layers of concrete believing that I will never hear from it again. Like a mob boss in jail, the memory continued to control emotional responses which have created pain and suffering in my life.  


The brain is a fascinating organ that stores memories, creates personality, and controls our bodies.  Once a trauma has occurred such as being robbed of one's innocence, loss of a loved one, war affliction, etc., the brain stores the memory in a little place called the amygdala.  Without realization, a touch, smell, or sound can trigger the amygdala to send messages to other parts of the brain resulting in physiological responses to the buried traumatic memory placing our bodies into the "fight or flight" reaction.  The therapy I have begun is helping me to desensitize my amygdala's response to my triggers.


I would like to invite anyone who has suffered trauma to join me on my journey to healing.  I have found that too many of us live with our traumas locked away trying to ignore them.  Once we are able to open up, find help, and acknowledge that we are not alone, healing may begin and then we will be able to whistle our happy tunes not to fool ourselves into bravery, but because we are truly brave.